Tips and Resources

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• To connect daily with your teen, ask what his or her “high” and “low” were for the day. This is a good way to avoid getting a response of “nothing” or “I don’t know” when you ask, “How was your day?”
• Listen to your teen and try not to make comments that convey a judgment. Use fewer words. Too much explanation can be seen as nagging or lecturing, and your teen may tune out.
• Set limits, but give choices when possible. For example, “The dishes have to be washed by 8pm. Choose a time you will do this within the next hour.”
• Provide a consistent structure and time for dinner, homework, bedtime, and other daily activities.
• Explain the natural and logical consequences of your teen’s actions. Examples of natural consequences: a teen who skips lunch will be hungry; a teen who forgets to wear a coat on a cold day will get cold. Examples of logical consequences: a teen who does not study for a test will get a low grade; a teen who spends allowance money quickly will not receive more money until the next allowance day.
• Parents should avoid openly disagreeing about discipline in front of the children. You don’t want to give your child or teen the opportunity to play the parents against one another to get what he or she desires.
• When trying to open up communication with your adolescent, listen and then offer an open response. For example, suppose your teen cries and says, “Alex and I just broke up!” A closed response would be: “Don’t worry, you’ll find another boyfriend.” An open response might be, “It sounds like you’re very sad.”
• Include your children in family decisions. Allow your teen to participate in discussions affecting the family, even though you make the final decision.
• Help build your teen’s confidence by giving genuine praise.
• Tell your teen(s) you love them.

•  Try to share one thing about your day with your parent(s), to connect.
• Talking to your parent(s) builds trust.
• Tell your parent(s) about situations that have happened to your friends and how your friends reacted. This is one way to teach your parents about how you yourself would react in a similar situation.
• Seek your parents’ feedback about situations at school or with friends. If their feedback is not helpful, let them know why. Explain to your parents what life is like for you and other teens these days.
• Take the initiative to do a household chore. Give your parent(s) the opportunity to acknowledge your effort.
• Show your parent(s) you can take responsibility. For example, set up ahead of time who will drive you home and what time you will arrive. Then make sure to be home on time. Remember, actions are more powerful than words.

A helpful reminder for parents:

I had the meanest mother in the world! While other kids had candy for breakfast, I had to eat cereal, eggs, and toast. While other kids had cake and candy for lunch, I had a sandwich. As you can guess, my dinner was different from other kid’s dinners too. My mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. She had to know who our friends were and what we were doing.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but she actually had the nerve to break the child labor laws. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make the beds, and learn how to cook. That woman must have stayed awake nights thinking up things for us kids to do. And she insisted we tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

By the time we were teenagers, she was much wiser and our life became more unbearable. She embarrassed us to no end by insisting our friends come to the door to get us. She wanted to meet and talk with them. Most of our friends were allowed to date at the mature age of 12 or 13, but our old-fashioned mother refused to let us date until we were 15. She raised a bunch of squares. None of us were ever arrested for shoplifting or busted for dope. And who do we have to thank for this? You’re right, our mean mother.

I am trying to raise my children to stand a little straighter and taller and I am secretly tickled to pieces when my children call me mean. I thank God for giving me the meanest mother in the world. The world needs more mean mothers like mine.

                                                                                                    —Author unknown

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elain Mazlish

Get Out of My Life, but First Could you Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager, by Anthony Wolfe

Parenting Teenagers:  Systematic Training  for Effective Parenting (STEP), by Gary McKay and Don Dinkmeyer

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce, by Gary Newman, LMHC

Overcoming the Co‑Parenting Trap: Essential Parenting Skills

When a Child Resists ...by John a. Moran Ph. D., Matthew Sullivan Ph. D., and Tyler Sullivan 

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, by Mary Bray Pipher, PhD

1. Surviving Separation and Divorce, by Loriann Hoff Oberlin
2. The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Pattern of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet Lerner
3. The Measure of a Man, by Jerrold Shapiro

1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman
2. Tell Me No Lies, by Ellyn Bader, PhD and Peter Pearson, PhD
3. Reconcilable Differences, by Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobson

1. For more information about a structural approach   to family therapy, as developed by Salvador Minuchin, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvador_Minuchin
2.  For more information about cognitive behavioral therapy, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy
3.  For more information about couples therapy, see http://Gottman.com